“you’re so very unreliable, rarely held your ground as your own person.”

This is what I texted an ex before when I asked him not to talk on my behalf as a listed reference (I had listed him way back when we were close as best friends). This is when I got way more comfortable saying out loud that love and trust don’t always come hand in hand.

To make it clear, there’s a difference between having asked him for a cup of coffee or a pack of toilet paper on his way back.. verses knowing that someone has your back and wouldn’t let anyone else impact the way that someone treats you or how your relationship with that someone could go. These are two different types of trust, and my ex didn’t have the latter. I knew it, he knew it, we both were aware that we both knew it and hoped that it’d been different. Yet And I stayed, I loved him deeply, and kept loving and supporting him as he was my person.

(and he loved me too, but it’s my blog not his :’d. I’m not dismissing the effort he put into the relationship, but the angle I’m sharing is the trust-love one)

I did not trust he’d try to fix things if something were to happen (not as if I was taking him to war obviously :’d but in terms of repairing the relationship), I actually never trusted he’d stop someone from mistreating me or bad mouthing me (not as if he was supposed to be my guardian, I’m clearly a fully developed person, but being defended by your person is something we’d feel secure about in any type of close and intimate relationship, whether it was a best friendship or more). But And again, I chose to stay and keep loving him.

Love and trust can mean different things to different people. Sure we can all agree that they have positive connotation, but still we’d experience them in different ways.

For me, love is about how I feel for someone.. when I like someone, it’s about something they exhibit that draws my attention in a positive way; a well-articulated way of speaking, an empathetic way of expressing their experiences while validating others’ , their taste in fashion, their passion about their work, etc. on the other hand, when I love someone, it’s about how I feel for them, yes, me liking them could’ve been initiated by something they exhibit that I like (I mean you’ve to like who you fall in love with.. allegedly) but it wouldn’t be what made me fall for them.

For trust, there’s a difference between knowing that you can rely on someone to bring you a cup of coffee or a box of tampons on their way back if you need them to.. versus trusting that they have your back especially when it is a little inconvenient for them. Cambridge dictionary defines trust as “to believe someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable.”

That being said, we get to choose where to stay, it is our responsibility to stay where our needs and wants are met.. not potentially and hopefully met. May our heart lie where our back feels safe :)

In today’s world, many of us, as women, can initially get fascinated by guys who are close to their parents, and especially those who are close to their moms. We’d think that this translates into a man who respects women and their efforts as much as he notices and respects his mom and her efforts to nurture the family, and we’d fall quickly into thinking that it’s all just positives that come with that so-called green-ish flag. Yet, this relationship could show up later as some sort of a very dark codependency, where the mom absorbs as much support as she rightfully needs, but instead of getting it from the spouse she chose to build a life with, the son, whom I’m gonna call the momma’s boy, would end up being her main savior.

In many cases I’ve personally seen with other guys, there is usually some emotional sympathy-seeking accompanied by that codependency from the mom’s side, which my friend Rebecca and I would call manipulation maybe! The way such sympathy/manipulation-maybe is sought could be through phrases like: “your dad is emotionally unavailable”, “your dad yelled last night then went to bed”, “he works a lot”, “even though we fought, I reminded him of his doctor’s appointment”, etc. From what I’ve noticed, this usually plays a role in the son, who is a fully functioning adult -allegedly, forming a codependent relationship with his mom. Boundaries become blurred, and remember, she is the mom whose partner is emotionally unavailable and doing much for the family, reminding everyone of what needs to be done, nagging them about how it’s in their best interest. So the son becomes accepting of the fact that he has to supply his mom with support all the time, every time, with every ounce of energy he has, whether he has the capacity or not. The mom’s needs get met, and the son ends up having a spot for just only one woman to share life with, which would never be his partner.

Both relationships deserve a place: the one with his mom and the one with his partner. That being said, when the man cannot rely on having discussions and conversations with the woman he chose to build a life with even after years, why be in the relationship with her to begin with? Instead, he picks up the phone and calls his mom when any and every inconvenience hits him. The mom then absorbs all of his emotional distress, shields him from most consequences, tells him life will be okay, reminds him how special he is, and then storms in with exactly what he needs to do and what scenarios could potentially unfold. This is not a fully developed man who’s capable of getting through life. He becomes merely an extension of the mom but in the form of a son, with the emotional regulation of possibly a much much younger boy.. I mean, where will he learn ways to regulate his emotions if he and his mom think this is what a healthy mom-son bond should look like -sadly!!

On top of being with a guy who has already reserved the front seat for his mom always and forever, he’d be much more likely to start comparing the woman he dates to his mom. “My mom talks to me in a way that clicks, that’s why I’m more receptive to her”, and then the partner would start questioning herself; she wasn’t trying to be his mom or like his mom. Even worse, if his brain picks up on something the girlfriend does that resembles something his mom’s emotionally unavailable spouse (aka his dad) does, then the girlfriend suddenly becomes the dad and he becomes the mom, except that this time he defends his mom and her efforts.

I’m 100% convinced it’s the guy’s fault; he is the man the woman is dating. At the same time, I’m convinced there is no mom who is so oblivious to the dynamic she’s helping create in one way or another. When the son keeps going back to his mom, and she keeps fulfilling his needs and making his decisions instead of letting him experience life and learn how to handle the consequences, then supporting him afterwards, or even asking him sometimes, “hey, have you chatted with your partner about this?”, she just happily enjoys the front seat. She wants the best partner for her son, but has she considered helping her son be the best partner to his girlfriend as well?

The result is dating a man child who can halt at the shopping mall waiting for a text from his mom about how an outfit looks before purchasing it, a man with a little boy’s emotional regulation, a man who ends up not being able to have a discussion about moving in with his partner because he needs his mom’s opinion before he says the word.

So, please, men… kids blame their parents, adults go to f*cking therapy, so no no no, you cannot blame this on your mom. Being close to your mom isn’t the problem; neither is calling her nor valuing her opinions. But your lack of differentiation is the real issue here. You can still show up for your mom, and at the same time you have to realize her feelings aren’t yours to regulate, and her opinions shouldn’t become your decisions. You cannot be an adult who cannot have a full grown-up conversation with your partner about your relationship milestones without needing momma’s opinion, and you should have developed enough emotional regulation to handle some heated conversations with your boss. You shouldn’t be a starfish in your own relationship, lying there watching your partner as they make the relationship decisions for you.. eventually they’ll realize that they should value themselves and their efforts more than they appreciate being with you, especially when you being you adds such a burden that only moms should tolerate from little kids; expecting much and offering less. Your relationship shouldn’t turn into a family group project!

Also, please, moms.. raise more independent men. Your son isn’t supposed to be your best friend and your unpaid therapist, especially when he’s young. You can’t be dumping everything on him under the claim that he is your best friend, expect him to support you all the time, and then expect him to function normally. Your son consistently needing you doesn’t prove you are a good mom!

“you don’t smile like you used to”

“swipe right if you think you can keep me entertained”

These two sentences were said by a couple of Adams; the first one was said to Eve after a relationship that lasted a few years, as Adam was listing its “cons”. The second one was listed by another Adam on Bumble.. if you ask me about my opinion (it’s my blog so my opinion is the only thing that matters :D), both Adams are truly absolutely wholeheartedly a bunch of idiots that show NO respect to women and NO regard for them as partners!

The first one treated Eve as if she was someone paid to give him a good time, she was looked at as if she was “something fun” that was supposed to entertain him. The second one regarded himself as a “reward” that potential Eve needs to work for. You’d think with such expectations, both would have much to offer, but actually no!

Adam #1,

Instead of asking Eve what was going on and how he could help bring her smile back, her potential struggle became a problem that was a “con” of the relationship. Don’t get me wrong, he loved Eve, but looking closely, he seemed to have loved what Eve was offering, how much fun she brought to the relationship, how little she needed and asked for, so he enjoyed being a starfish in the relationship, and got used to it.

Adam #2,

Listed some of his hobbies on his dating profile, then mentioned how to win him as a match, but what is he offering? seems like he is the reward..

Now, to be fair, Adam #2 is a dating profile, not a long-term relationship. We don't know what kind of partner he'd actually be, but that first impression was more than enough for many women to swipe left

Both Adams come from a privileged ethnicity (aka white).. now you’d get mad if you’re white, if you’re a woman of color, you’d be intrigued, I’d claim :D… so, let me explain before the excitement and/or anger takes over…

Having privilege isn’t bad; it’s not something one chooses for oneself while depriving others of it. And being white doesn't automatically make someone selfish, entitled, or a shitty partner. But being oblivious to your privilege, showing no curiosity about the struggles your partner faces that you don't, while expecting her to keep making YOUR life easier... Now THAT is where privilege and entitlement become a dangerously shitty combination.

Being a SELFISH, entitled, privileged person who thinks he deserves “crème de la crème” while willing to offer very little… is just something.. If you’re not willing to entertain your partner in the ways you're asking for, you’re a shitty partner (and a soon to be shitty ex).

Back to that privilege; you should absolutely use whatever privilege you have in every possible way you can to maximize your gains WITHOUT walking over others. At the same time, you should be curious about and aware of that privilege and how you can make things better for those without it: by asking questions not being judgy! If there’s a problem in the world, but it’s not a problem for you because it isn’t impacting you, that's what privilege does, bud!

The problem isn't that Adam had an easier life. The problem is that he seemed to expect Eve to make his life easier too, without showing much curiosity about what made hers harder.

Now back to the white privileged guys, some guys of course, not all (maybe a bit more than just some.. oh well.. to each their own experiences)… having a relatively easier life than others is great, it is something I honestly wish everyone could have.. in what sense, now you’d be asking?

Have you ever been to some airports in Europe, where they insist on speaking their own language while they flip through your passport, checking it during a layover…

Have you ever been in a situation where you ended up with a police officer checking the IDs of people of color but not those of people with lighter melanin…

Have you ever been somewhere where you had to go through some bureaucratic process, and things got unnecessarily complicated until your partner with lighter melanin showed up…

Have you ever been chosen for a “random” check in Western Europe, where you met almost all of your fellow passengers of color from the same flight…

Have you ever had to file your own taxes, been criticized by your partner about how long you’ve been taking to file your taxes instead of hanging out with him… while his only exposure to filing taxes is his interaction with the family accountant who files his taxes?

Have you ever had to go through some immigration process while your white partner (aka expats… which is like immigrants but for people with lighter melanin, in case you weren’t aware of that) showed no curiosity at all about where you were in the process, only to say that “I know it’s not a piece of cake, but you always manage to do what you say you will do.. you make it look easy”.. as if people of color are built for that!

Have you ever had a white partner who showed no curiosity about your favorite ethnic food, dessert, song, traditions, holidays, etc.. but expected you to show great curiosity about his own culture?

None of these experiences means that every white person has an easy life, or that every person of color has the same struggles. But they do illustrate how two people can experience the same world differently. And when one partner shows little to no curiosity about those differences, the imbalance doesn't stop outside the relationship. It follows them everywhere.

Growing up in the Middle East, it is a collectivist culture with complicated expectations from many families, where kids are expected to top their class, have immaculate manners, show great regard for their parents, be successful, be an engineer, be a doctor. On top of that, many girls are raised with high expectations to overfunction, be emotionally intelligent, be successful to make their parents proud.. the result is: many females grow up thinking that they have to overgive, overoffer, and be altruistic to earn and deserve their partner’s love.. you’d have figured it out by now that these females have been raised and adapted to conditional love, where they have to keep doing, achieving, and proving things to be deserving.. so they become overgivers.

Put that overgiver female, who was raised in a collectivist culture, with a white guy who was raised in an individualist culture and who has never had to question some of the privileges he's enjoyed.. wrap it with Adam’s lack of curiosity towards her life and potential struggles, top it with his entitled expectations, and sprinkle in some unnecessary selfishness.. the result is an overgiver, overfunctioning partner with a great overtaker who enjoys sucking each and every possible benefit that could come to mind… while expecting Eve to just self suffice because he’s already there (allegedly) as if he was a starfish, potentially thinking he is the reward.. the trophy she presumably should be okay with?

Of course, neither cultural upbringing automatically creates an overgiver or an overtaker. It's what happens when those particular tendencies meet, and neither person questions the imbalance, that becomes the problem.

The number of European and North American white guys my friends and I have come across.. who behave like Adam #1 and Adam #2 is very disappointing!

So, honestly, Adams, you need to do better!

Being a white male expat with a female immigrant of color means you both went through different lives, different backgrounds, different experiences. I get that it’s exotic to date a foreigner who can take care of themselves like everyone else should, but the idea of you thinking you’d be entitled to even her smiles is just CRAZY! That’s you taking advantage of someone for your own benefit..

Please consider showing some curiosity before passing obnoxious judgment, because if she chose to be with you, she can still unchoose that..

YOU, women of color, we can’t keep choosing to stay where we aren’t chosen. YOU don’t have to choose to be with someone who has learned how to be fluent in apologies with no actual repair! YOU do not have to keep giving to someone who does not even show some regard and consideration for your life, preferences, and hiccups. YOU don’t have to stay somewhere where you get to carry most of the emotional labor under the pretense that YOU have been through too much, so you have more experience and poor him, he just cannot do it the way you do. While YOU are responsible for communicating that you don’t feel chosen, YOU aren’t responsible for him being receptive.. if you communicate that once and twice, this doesn’t mean that you should be the one who gets that role. YOU should tell him that you initiating the repair, the hard conversation every time, is too much of a burden to be on one person. You cannot keep filling his cup as he enjoys that, asks for more, while leaving you emptier and emptier. It is YOUR responsibility to stay where you feel seen, appreciated, and considered. And to women of every other ethnicity, this goes for you too.

Too dumb Too privileged entitled and selfish... maybe!

mystery solved? :D